| Book 6: The Rant |
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Harry Potter
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| For Nerds. By Nerds. |
Disclaimer:
- If you are a fan of Book 6, this is not the rant for you. Though we aim to amuse, we can be
a bit harsh towards the book from hell. Read at your own risk!
The book is sitting there with it's foil lettering, staring at us from under the bed where we
stashed it back in 2005, saying in it's rasping, hateful demon voice...
"Ha, ha, ha. You deluded logic mongers! You were foolish to open me once expecting to find
sense and story. But you were wrong. Yes, very wrong, indeed. Characters you once loved
have been slaughtered. A tale that once resonated within your very hearts has been warped by
the fires of hell and vanished for all time. Do you dare?
"Do you dare, dear misguided defenders of the natural order, guardians of virtue and character
steadfastness, lord protectors of Hermione's intelligence and grace, do you dare delve back into
my pages, survey my depths in search of your answers?
"Have you the courage of true Gryffindors to risk dismal depression and the solid proof of your
own ignorant delusions and author stupidity to have another look? If only to see that your copy
was not the true story.....that the true light hangs before you in the mists, just outside of your
reach. Do you chance fate? Do you dare?"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reader.....We can't take it! We can't do it! What if it's right?! What if we really did have the
wrong copy?! What if everything is safe and sound in HP land and we were lied to? Maybe
they haven't all lost their minds. Maybe there's a chance.
Maybe if we just hole up somewhere where no one can find us, the book will speak to us and
show us the truth. We'll ask it, "why, why, mister book, do you hate us so, to have lied so
grievously to us and our trusted friends?"
And it shall answer, "Twas not me. Twas the maker."
And then we'll open it to find that Hogwarts isn't on drugs. Hermione hasn't had her brains
addled; Ginny isn't a superwoman harlot; Ron isn't a raging moral-less fratboy womanizer;
Harry hasn't turned into Hermione while drifting towards the dark side; Dumbledore didn't
suddenly allow Harry to lead him to his death; and that the whole damn world didn't suddenly
become overly obsessed with hormones, snogging and hook-ups!
And all shall be well. The world will be full of miracles and goodness. The sun will shine,
birds will chirp, the air will be fresh and clean. And then, Reader, you know what we'll
do.......we'll wake up and burn the damn devil child, spawn of hell, piece of book-shite that it is!
Speak to us, oh wise interpreter of the great lies. Advise us. We are in need of your wisdom.
To Burn...or Not to Burn?
stashed it back in 2005, saying in it's rasping, hateful demon voice...
"Ha, ha, ha. You deluded logic mongers! You were foolish to open me once expecting to find
sense and story. But you were wrong. Yes, very wrong, indeed. Characters you once loved
have been slaughtered. A tale that once resonated within your very hearts has been warped by
the fires of hell and vanished for all time. Do you dare?
"Do you dare, dear misguided defenders of the natural order, guardians of virtue and character
steadfastness, lord protectors of Hermione's intelligence and grace, do you dare delve back into
my pages, survey my depths in search of your answers?
"Have you the courage of true Gryffindors to risk dismal depression and the solid proof of your
own ignorant delusions and author stupidity to have another look? If only to see that your copy
was not the true story.....that the true light hangs before you in the mists, just outside of your
reach. Do you chance fate? Do you dare?"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reader.....We can't take it! We can't do it! What if it's right?! What if we really did have the
wrong copy?! What if everything is safe and sound in HP land and we were lied to? Maybe
they haven't all lost their minds. Maybe there's a chance.
Maybe if we just hole up somewhere where no one can find us, the book will speak to us and
show us the truth. We'll ask it, "why, why, mister book, do you hate us so, to have lied so
grievously to us and our trusted friends?"
And it shall answer, "Twas not me. Twas the maker."
And then we'll open it to find that Hogwarts isn't on drugs. Hermione hasn't had her brains
addled; Ginny isn't a superwoman harlot; Ron isn't a raging moral-less fratboy womanizer;
Harry hasn't turned into Hermione while drifting towards the dark side; Dumbledore didn't
suddenly allow Harry to lead him to his death; and that the whole damn world didn't suddenly
become overly obsessed with hormones, snogging and hook-ups!
And all shall be well. The world will be full of miracles and goodness. The sun will shine,
birds will chirp, the air will be fresh and clean. And then, Reader, you know what we'll
do.......we'll wake up and burn the damn devil child, spawn of hell, piece of book-shite that it is!
Speak to us, oh wise interpreter of the great lies. Advise us. We are in need of your wisdom.
To Burn...or Not to Burn?
Disclaimer Part II:
And, as always, your input in support of Book 6, Anvils and 'ships or to the contrary is always
welcome.
- Also, we'd like to point out that our feelings of dislike for this book do not stem from
relationship preferences. This is not a 'shipper site, trying to prove one relationship over
another.
It is our sworn duty to prove certain inconsistencies and betrayals of character in the book.
And, as always, your input in support of Book 6, Anvils and 'ships or to the contrary is always
welcome.
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